I'm writing this from Lincoln Memorial hospital in Springfield, Il., where Mom is recovering from post-radiation surgery to remove cancerous tumors. Thankfully, the director of the writing center was very understanding about my leaving town and my teaching duties mid-week even though the semester just started. As I spoke with her on the phone, trying to figure out how I could rearrange appointments and/or get someone to cover for me, she said, "Go. Just go."
Her next words threw me for a loop:
"You only have one mother! Right?"
Um...well, not exactly.
"Y-yes," I cringed and said, to keep things simple and move it along. Her question kept creeping into my thoughts during the 9-hour drive to Illinois. I do have two mothers--my birth mother, who gave me life and relinquished me into foster care/adoption, and my adoptive mom, who raised me. I wondered whether my birth mother has ever had major surgery, and I was sad that I didn't even know the answer. I wondered whether I would jump in my car and drive 9 hours if my b-mom were having surgery. I think I probably would, if I knew she wanted me there--but sadly, it would take more consideration. I'm just not as close to her, and sometimes I feel that our relationship is strained. I always try to recognize and validate her role in my life, but truthfully I am much closer to my a-mom. We've had many more years to work on getting along and growing a lasting connection.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I think the relationship is difficult for my birth mother. How could it not be? At its root is heartbreak, loss, a relationship established and terminated almost immediately post-birth and restarted 25 years later. This is the nature of adoption.
As I watch Mom's painful recovery from a surgery not unlike a Cesarean birth, I think of the pain my birth mother must've experienced when she gave me up. Someday my birth mother and I may be closer, I hope. I have always thought of her and loved her from afar, and she has said it was the same for her. Perhaps all that thinking and loving an absence can make it hard to bring a relationship to the "reality" realm, the in-touch/in-person world. It may take a few more years before both of us are ready to drop everything and meet the other in the hospital.
So, the answer is "no," a simple "no." I don't only have one mother. They are different, they have occupied different spaces in my life. But in the end, my love for them is the same.
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Today, the day before Mother's Day, is considered by many in the adoption world to be Birthmother's Day. It makes sense--the birth mother came before the adoptive mother. She is the first mother. Mainstream society rarely recognizes the birth mother post-adoption (especially in closed adoptions), as though her role is complete after the child is placed. Not true.
An amazing birth mother I know recently wrote about the complex feelings she experiences on Mother's Day (see Three Roots Adoption).
Earlier this week when picking out a card to send to my birthmother, I realized many of the cards, in their attempt to be universal and yet specific, didn't apply. They said things like, "all those years when you changed my diapers, drove me to school" or "remember when you used to tell me never to give up?" What I needed, and what I eventually found, was something that simply said, "Thank you for being my mother." For giving me life.
Mom offered to drop off the mail that day, and before I could protest she grabbed the pink envelope from my hand and put it in the stack with others. She said, "Is that for Patti? For Mother's Day?" I nodded. "Good," she said.
We've come a long way.
An amazing birth mother I know recently wrote about the complex feelings she experiences on Mother's Day (see Three Roots Adoption).
Earlier this week when picking out a card to send to my birthmother, I realized many of the cards, in their attempt to be universal and yet specific, didn't apply. They said things like, "all those years when you changed my diapers, drove me to school" or "remember when you used to tell me never to give up?" What I needed, and what I eventually found, was something that simply said, "Thank you for being my mother." For giving me life.
Mom offered to drop off the mail that day, and before I could protest she grabbed the pink envelope from my hand and put it in the stack with others. She said, "Is that for Patti? For Mother's Day?" I nodded. "Good," she said.
We've come a long way.
Category:
adoption,
mother
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Recently I happened upon this super cool organization called Birthing Project USA. "The Underground Railroad for New Life." It's mission is to encourage better birth outcomes in the African-American community. To support mothers and soon-to-be-mothers (teen mothers in particular, it looks like). Did you know that African American mothers are twice as likely as non-African American mothers to lose a baby in infancy? No one is exactly sure why, but it's speculated that it's at least partly due to the fact that "African Americans, more than any other group, have a significant amount of accumulated life-long stress, which impacts their general health and that of their babies." (First 5la)
The factors that cause this stress, I would be willing to bet, are also linked to the reasons so many African American children later end up living in foster care instead of in their biological family homes. I'm amazed with the courage of people like Trisha (see my previous post), who are struggling under an inept welfare system in this economy and yet still manage to provide for their kids.
It seems to me that small non-profit organizations like Birthing Project have a better impact overall than large federal programs like welfare. They are more individual. Maybe we're afraid that if welfare goes way, those programs won't have the resources that big tax-funded federal programs will, and therefore some people will fall through the cracks. But don't they anyway?
Category:
african american issues,
foster care,
mother
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Continuing in a somewhat similar vein...
How has the economy affected our nation's poorest, particularly single mothers of color?
Jobless rate in the U.S. right now: 10%
For single mothers: 13%
For blacks: 15%
(no statistic for black single mothers specifically, but we can guess it's not good)
This Colorlines video follows Tisha, a 29-year-old black woman and single mother of three hovering over poverty. She's an experienced healthcare worker who has struggled not only to find a job but to make life work within the welfare system.
Examples of barriers to Tisha's success, several of which are quite common:
1. The assistance program required her to go to daily workshops. Pretty tough when you've got young kids at home to care for.
2. She was in a domestic violence situation, which added to her struggle to fulfill program requirements. (This is more common than you think--women in poverty experience the highest rates of domestic violence.)
3. After leaving that situation and moving to her mother's, they discovered there was old lead paint in her house and--SURPRISE!--suddenly the authorities were threatening to take away her child if she didn't move out right away. (Ah, the child welfare system--hurry up and get those black kids out of there and into foster care! Sorry. Rant.)
This Colorlines program blames Tisha's distressing situation on the fact that the "Federal Safety Net" was cut under Reagan, who endorsed the cut by planting in the American imagination the myth of the black "welfare queen." I hesitate to say that government funding for social programs regulated by the government are the answer (because look how beautifully the government has served the single mother of color so far), but this video definitely had me thinking there must be a better solution than what we've got now. What I like is their other suggestion: for communities of color, follow the example of San Francisco and Oakland, CA: start community sustainability and greening projects and employ local people to do the work. Again, government funded. But if heavy regulations aren't attached, maybe these individual city projects would actually work? Reminds me again of Van Jones--The Green Collar Economy.
Category:
economy,
mother,
race
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I made this Wordle design for my mother for her birthday March 17 (don't worry, she's doesn't use the Internet and won't see it!) You can compile special phrases and words, then paste them into the Wordle program and voilâ--a thoughtful and heartfelt gift!
Category:
mother
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