Hair New Era

During the first week of the new year when I visited blogs I read a lot about words for the year, intentions and commitments. It inspired me to ask myself whether I have a word for 2012, and if so, what it is. In 2011 I was late with my word - I actually waited until my birthday which will be in a week.


This first week of 2012 was weird. On the one hand is was wonderful because Kaefer didn't have to go back to school until today. I love it when she is at home. On the other hand this week brought back the dark memory of last year's first week when Katie with her fiancé Jesus and four members of his family were murdered. It hang like a shadow over that week. I thought a lot of their families, Katie's parents and her younger brother who were left behind and how they have been dealing with this incredible loss. I admire their courage and their good spirit. Although I wasn't particularly close to Katie, I considered her a friend and loved her quirkiness. All of us are still struggling with the horrible events.


But with the start of a new week it feels like the shadow is lifting. Some years ago, I have stopped making new year resolutions, because to me it seemed they were all doomed to fail. And usually they did (at least in my case). But I do like the idea of choosing a word for the year and let it be some kind of a guide.

Last year's word I chose was "authentic". Over the months I often wondered whether I lived according to that word. Often I felt I was only lukewarm in my attempt to be authentic, that I held back too much. However, I stopped doing things of which I felt they weren't me. I let go of people who drained my energy and let me spin around in circles, getting hurt. I no longer cared living up to expectations of others.


But there still is a long way ahead of me. When we wrote down our intentions for 2012 over at Vision and Verb, my pen simply spilled out "remaining true to myself". Being authentic. There you have it.

My new old word for 2012.


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At the beginning of the year I chose "authentic" as my word for 2011. When I look back over the past ten months, nothing I wrote here was not me. Everything was plain, pure me - but to be honest, nothing was revealing. Most of the posts kept pretty much to the surface and didn't really touch what is deep within me. And I wonder why.

What is holding me back

• to speak of my fears that lie within me and sometimes completely choke me up, so that I have difficulties to sleep?
• to talk about my health issues that sometimes frustrate me so very much?
• to tell you about the loss of our second daughter that still haunts me?
• to admit that I still haven't made my peace with having only one child?
• to vent even only once about my utter frustration with American politics?
• to let you know about my fears that this Etsy adventure will be a complete failure?

Am I afraid to offend someone? To lose blogging buddies because I'm honest? Do I fear to receive hurtful comments? Or that people think I'm just ridiculous?

Does it really matter?
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I’m 51 today.


Turning thirty and forty was no big deal for me. However, when I turned fifty last year, it dawned on me that more than half of my life was already over. How many years would I still have? Twenty? Thirty, if I’m lucky? And how was I planning to spend those years?

Those were the questions that occupied me for the first half of last year, and I only knew that I didn’t want to go back into an office job I didn’t enjoy, but do something where my heart was in it and that nourished my soul. I read books, I took my first e-course with Visionary Mom that helped me to name my dreams and formulate what I really wanted to do. Exactly around that time I started reading “Taking Flight” by Kelly Rae Roberts. She mentioned her blog in her book, and just out of curiosity I switched on my computer and visited her website.

Oh boy… She advertised her very first e-course, “Flying Lessons”. I read the outline and I knew that this was the course for me. This was exactly the answer to all my questions and my search. This was IT. I signed up the very first day – and it was the best thing I did for myself this last year and it has changed my life quite a bit.

I started my own blog without really knowing what I was doing. I “met” people in blogland who have become friends. I found enormous support and was amazed at what others were doing. I became serious about my photography, found so much inspiration that led me to try new perspectives, to take pictures of completely different motives than I did before. It was fun and incredibly encouraging. I made more art than before and I even showed it on my blog. It was a whirlwind.

Years ago I had stopped to make any New Year’s resolutions because I knew that I usually wouldn’t keep them. And honestly, who cares whether I loose ten pounds or not (actually I did over the past year! Without a resolution – but a lot of exercise). So no resolutions for 2011 either. But I have a few wishes for my birthday.

I want to be truly authentic. When I write or comment, it’s ME who spills out those words, my thinking and feeling. It’s not what I think others want to hear or read, but something that is ME no matter whether it is “popular” or not. It is okay to be different and to think differently. It is also okay if I can’t express myself perfectly. Everybody who comes to this site knows that I am not a native speaker, that some sentences will sound funny or weird. What the heck? It doesn’t matter. Being authentic means that I’ll be vulnerable. It needs a lot of courage, but I want to do this. Perhaps it’ll hurt sometimes, however, I can gain so much from that. It is perfectly okay to be imperfect.

There are other wishes – like doing more art, getting more serious about my photography, opening my Etsy store, read, write more and worry less, but being authentic is the most important one. Many bloggers had a certain word for the new year - my word for 2011 is

In today's class of Picture Fall we are asked to show the words that we need as little reminders, the ones that we need to hear today. I had a hard time with that - quite a lot of words came into mind, like "I am enough", "I am capable". But how to photograph those?

I thought about the photography prompt during my workout class, while being in the grocery store, even while driving. It was nagging me all the time and I was close to give up.

Then it hit me when I least expected it. I was leafing through my (kind of) art journal when the words "Trust your crazy ideas" jumped at me. I have loved these words since I had received an envelope filled with stamps from my favorite stamp store in Santa Fe, NM. I was there last December and had ordered some stamps they didn't have in the store (they have great southwestern themed rubber stamps) and would send to me later. On the envelope Lee, the owner of the store, had stamped the words "Trust your crazy ideas". I had cut the words out of the envelope and used for a collage in that art journal. And I remembered to have seen the very same words in the wonderful book "5".


Trust your crazy ideas - this is something I need to tell myself over and over again, remind myself of almost every day. Stick to my ideas, take a photo the way I want, write a text about something that is important to me at that time. Don't worry about negative comments. Lead MY life and not a life according to the ideas of other people. And yes, some of my ideas are very different from those around me, but that doesn't mean they're worse or less worthy. They are important to me, and often to my family as well. That is what counts. But I need to remind myself of that more often than not.

Often I am an oddball, and that's okay. Actually, if someone calls me "odd" or even "weird" I take it as a compliment.


Oh, and if you like, pop over to Kim Klassen's Inspiration Studio tomorrow - I'm guest posting there about "Daily Practice".

It’s Wishcasting Wednesday at Jamie Ridler Studios, and her question today is “What do you wish to step into?”

I have to admit, the very first thought that popped into my mind was “not into poop”.


This is so typical me. I don’t seem to be able to behave seriously, there are always these ridiculous or funny thoughts that just turn up and I more often than not blurt out loud. And feel ridiculous and stupid afterwards.

But when contemplating the question I realized that I wish to step into being who I am, be authentic. I want to be me with all my heart, enjoying my good sides and accepting the not so lovely parts of me. Yes, that includes accepting those “first ideas” without feeling stupid. I don’t want to pretend to be someone I am not. I want to be okay with my imperfect self. I do not want to apologize for myself all the time.

I just want to be me.